Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
