these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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