being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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