Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
