Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just want nice things and good sex
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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