She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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