I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
