I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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