Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
