I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
