She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize