hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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