The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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