Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
