I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
