wrigley field is MILF paradise
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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