In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
