i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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