I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
