What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
