My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize