I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
