I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
