I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
This is my gift to your gina
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize