At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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