If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
