I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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