I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just had sex on a roof
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
