She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
