i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
