you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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