I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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