Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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