Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
NoShamevember. You game?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
