it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
