I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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