remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
