Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
