"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
