It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize