I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It's rum buckets o'clock
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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