you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You need a sexual gate keeper
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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