it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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