Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
