Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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