The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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