I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You need a sexual gate keeper
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
