Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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