where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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