i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
