If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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