My pussy is not your playground.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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