someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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