I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
