Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
