I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
