i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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