i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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